MLady Umbridge
by megamatt09
Summary: The Ministry of Magic and the Daily Prophet sends out a special message about the lies regarding the Dark Lord, what a great progressive woman Dolores Umbridge is, and how you should beware non Ministry approved news. Satire.


A three dimensional image placed inside of the latest edition of the Daily Prophet had been sent to every subscriber along with a complimentary paper and disc being sent to current subscribers. It begins to speak to anyone who could listened.

"Alternative new sources have claimed that the Ministry of Magic is suppressing information regarding the supposed return of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named," a smarmy voice declared to the person who activated the disc. "These sources claim to be an unbiased voice, but all they intend to do is spread hate mongering and sew the seeds of discontent among well meaning witch and wizards. We, here at the Daily Prophet, feel as an officially verified and endorsed source of information, we have the facts and we have no agenda to spin."

An image of Dolores Umbridge flickered into focus against the wall.

"The Ministry of Magic's investigation have declared that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has not returned," the swarmy voice stated. "One woman has stood brave and tall above all else, among all of the alternate facts and falsified reports peddled by the so called independent wizarding media. And that woman is a heroic and noble crusader for the rights of witches ever, the current Senior Undersecretary at the Ministry of Magic and the Hogwarts High Inquisitor, Dolores Jane Umbridge."

Umbridge's images flashed, with a large winning smile on her face.

"Dolores Umbridge is a witch above all else, a witch who has opened the Floogates for other women ,in a world dominated by wizards. There are those who feel threatened and outraged by her presence, because she is a woman in a world dominated by men. But, however, we feel that we should stand side by side with this noble crusader who will keep fighting a tireless war to keep the lies out of Hogwarts, from those who have decided to spread mistruths and alternate information."

More images of Dolores Umbridge appeared as the voice continued to narrate.

"Being an irreplaceable staff member of Cornelius Fudge's team, Dolores Umbridge has been a part of keeping the British Magical Community in a state of unprecedented peace over the past five years. The crime rate has plummeted and we are in a much safer place now. Unemployment at the Ministry of Magic has plummeted down, thanks to Dolores Umbridge's tireless efforts to give those who are willing to work hard a chance to make a better life for themselves."

An image of Dolores Umbridge standing with a group of like minded witches, as they prepare to give some kind of speech.

"The rate of payment for a witch at the Ministry of Magic has increased thanks to Dolores Umbridge. She is a truly powerful and vibrant woman, who will continue to break barriers for women. Truly, there has never been a witch who has meant more to the magical world than Dolores Umbridge."

Another picture of Dolores standing with her arm draped over the shoulders of two smiling witches.

"Dolores Umbridge is not only a lover of children…."

More images appear and Dolores Umbridge frlocking in the field with a small group of diverse children, picking flowers. Another image of Dolores visiting sick children in the hospital flashes.

"And animals."

Dolores Umbridge lays on the ground covered in kittens, with a big smile on her face.

"She is a beautiful, strong, and amazing women, as all women should be. Anyone who question her as a woman and the fact she's opened up the door for a witch to be anything that she wished, is mistaken. But, yet there are some who question her."

The voice drops to an oily tone.

"Albus Dumbledore, the current Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, has questioned Umbridge's actions. Despite the fact that Dumbledore has made several questionable hirings over his time at Hogwarts, especially in recent years. A man who has grown so senile that he cannot tell his best friend from a polyjuiced imposter. A man who hired Gilderoy Lockhart, a man who has used his memory charms to commit gross sexual misconduct and modified the memories afterwards. And Rubeus Hagrid, who once kept an unbalanced Hippogriff as a pet and showed it to a class of students, where it mauled one student, thus causing him to be physically and mentally scarred for life."

The image of Draco Malfoy, looking tormented, appeared in the distance.

"I still have nightmares...about Hagrid unleashing that monster on me," Draco said with a shudder. "And...the less we say about the Skrewts...the better."

"Would you trust anyone who has hired such shady characters to teach at his school?" the smarmy voice commented. "Or how about Harry Potter. Harry Potter has questioned Dolores Umbridge, showing her disrespect. He has called her a horrible woman, thus showing misogynistic and disgusting behavior, along with his constant body shaming of Dolores Umbridge, by comparing her to toad.

The smarmy voice paused.

"But, the company Harry Potter keeps is deplorable. Molly Weasley, formerly Prewitt, continues to set back the progression of witches by about fifty years, by reinforcing stereotypes that women should remain at home and all they're good at is popping out children, cleaning, and cooking. She is not a dedicated example of female empowerment like Dolores Umbridge. Her son Ronald is anything but worse. Last year at Hogwarts, several credible sources reported that he committed sexual harassment against the Beauxbatons School Champion, Fleur Delacour and made several depraved comments about several other witches in his year. Or about about Hermione Granger…"

The smarmy voice dropped into a hush.

"Hermione Granger has committed grievous assault on her fellow students, who would not dare fight back against her for fear of being labeled a Death Eater supporter. Miss Granger has used her Muggleborn privilege to her advantage."

"Granger slapped me in the face without provocation," Draco said popping up once again. "And the comments she makes against my betrothed ,Pansy Parkinson...I refuse to repeat them. But as a feminist, I'm appalled by Hermione Granger's disgusting attitude towards other women, especially those who disagree with her. She's a misogynist masquerading as a warrior for social justice."

"And yet, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. His father, James Potter, was part of a gang of bullies and thugs known as the Marauders, who helped harass several helpless witches and wizards. Their favorite target was Hogwarts Potions Professor Severus Snape. Among this gang of bullies was Sirius Black, a Death Eater, and Remus Lupin, disgraced former Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher and Werewolf who ran amuck on the grounds two years ago, putting students in danger. Another one of Albus Dumbledore's follies."

The smarmy voice paused a few seconds later to continue. James disappeared and had been replaced by Lily Evans, alongside her sister Petunia, who looked sad, pathetic, and small compared to Lily.

"Then his mother, rubbed her magical heritage in the face of her poor sister Petunia. Petunia, who had graciously took in her nephew Harry despite this friction, is said by credible reports to be terrified of not only her nephew, but also about retribution of Dumbledore and his acolytes. Her charming son Dudley and her handsome and successful husband Vernon are examples of the proper kind of Muggles, alongside of Petunia, and Harry Potter treats them like dirt, while sprouting the usual delusional lies of mistreating."

A long pause followed, with the narrator finished up.

"You can trust us in saying that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has not returned and you can stand by Dolores Umbridge in making Hogwarts Great Again. Would you believe a strong independent witch like Dolores Umbridge who has worked her way through the ranks of the Ministry and has accomplished more than any other witch in history? Or would you believe someone like Albus Dumbledore or Harry Potter, who willingly put those around them in danger to satisfy their own egos?"

"I for one am going to stand by Dolores Umbridge," Pansy Parkinson said with a smile on her face."Everyone needs to stand aside for this trailblazer. Without her, us witches would not be where we are today and anyone who disagrees with Dolores is a traitor to the entire female race."

"I will stand by Dolores Umbridge," Cornelius Fudge commented.

"We will stand by m'lady, Umbridge," Percy Weasley said with a big grin on his face. "Anyone who does not, is just simply subversive to the Ministry and will be looked at with the closest of scrutiny."

"The Ministry of Magic highly discourages anyone of seeking out alternative media sources that have not been officially approved by a highly-certified team of magically trained Ministry experts. If a news source is not certified by the Ministry of Magic, then it should be disregarded. Do not believe the lies and the propaganda. Thank you and have a pleasant day."

The disc ends, the public now more enlightened at the truth.

 **End.**


End file.
